The Patience of Deconstruction
Anytime somebody endures a breakup, a common phrase offered to supposedly help them through is “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.” Though often used in a tongue-in-cheek manner, people actually practice this in their romantic lives. Think about the sitcom “Friends” and the ongoing Rachel-Ross argument of ‘We were on a break!’ Ross used intimacy with another to cope with his potential loss. Many of us have done the same.
This phrase is also actually indicative of how we as a society handle departures and losses. We like to move on. We like to find something new. We like to jump ship as quickly as possible in order to avoid difficult feelings. We like to cope via similar means of which we’ve lost. It doesn’t help us get through our baggage though, does it?
One of the hosts of Netflix’s Queer Eye and public figure Karma Brown addresses this phrase in a recent tik tok:
Karamo hits the nail on the head. Why can’t we sit with oursevles? Why can’t we grieve? Why can’t we be in the present, and learn about what makes us, us?
It is with this that brings me to our topic of faith deconstruction and patience.
Anytime we leave a faith community, it can be so easy to pendulum swing to a different side. Whether it be progressive versions of the same faith, ardent atheism, or something entirely different, if we aren’t careful in the midst of our spiritual rebuild, we can operate out of similar frameworks of mind inside of a different faith home.
Why Is It So Hard to Live in Uncertainty?
Growing up in white, evangelical circles, we were never allowed to dream about different aspects of thought, different belief systems. The only times we were ever confronted with alternate worldviews was when we were apologetically defending our brand of Christianity. Deep wrestling was met with unhelpful platitudes, many were chastised for their lack of faith, and some were cast off when they found different means of spirituality.
In fundamental faith communities, uncertainty is a four letter word. At young ages, kids are hardwired to stand firm in faith. Pastors have the role of creating evangelical soldiers to take the “word of God” to countries all around the world. With such a lofty mission, those who question can be viewed as contradictory. They aren’t helping the Great Commission be filled if they’re questioning the Maker of the Great Commission.
So we have to be sure. We have to know.
This intersects with Western culture’s value of cognitive thinking and knowledge. Our schools trained us to memorize things, to know facts. We had to know what was true and what wasn’t. Critical thought and nuance were not typically high on the agenda in education.
So what happens, however, when we can no longer live into the status quo of spirituality? What happens when we have to leave? When we have to question? When there’s no other way? How on earth can we live in a place we barely know exists?
For many, the answer may be to recreate a fervent zeal of certainty inside the walls of another camp. Former conservative Christians may leave and soon become fundamental progressive christians, refusing to converse with anybody from conservative circles, refusing to listen to other viewpoints, and so they continue, mirroring the rigidity of a framework they never really left.
In this conversation, it’s important to not create false equivalence. Conservative evangelical Christians often cause the most damage to the marginalized with their theological convictions. I’m not saying progressive Christians are as dangerous nor am I saying progressive Christianity is the problem here.
What I am saying is that if we do not stay patient, if we do not give ourselves the space to live in an uncertain void, if we so quickly feel the need to jump to another set of beliefs, we may be missing healing and long term health. We may forget to find our sense of self. We may find we have to deconstruct all over again in the future. We might be getting under one faith to get over our former faith.
Patience as Key
Patience is key to any deconstructive process. In order to break free of rigid ways of belief, we must totally subvert that framework altogether, not find another way of rigidity. I believe there is much to be learned by living inside of uncertainty, of intentionally staying there for some time. There is freedom on the other side because we learn to think differently, to feel differently, to see the world differently.
We get more comfortable with paradoxes. We get more comfortable with being wrong. We get more comfortable with learning from those in different faiths. We get more comfortable with ourselves.
I try not to prescribe the “what” of people’s beliefs in these conversations. So many have been hurt in profound ways by the evangelical Christain church in America and their desire to prescribe what you must believe. For now, so long as our beliefs are enacted in love, I suppose it matters very little which “camp” one ends up in. In the end, we have much healing to do before we can even consider what to call ourselves.
I want to encourage all of us to wait. Wait to decide. Wait to describe yourself as something. Sit in the void that leaving a rigid faith provides and allow it to be your teacher. Be with yourself and see how you may need to heal. Listen to your body. Let new beliefs come, let old beliefs flow. Hell, let some old beliefs stay, let new beliefs flow. It is not up to me to tell you what is true or not true, that would defeat the purpose of this piece!
We must be patient to allow ourselves the opportunity to learn from the void of uncertainty. We are not alone here, afterall. Many can and do join in solidarity. With patience, we will gain a new found sense of resilience, humility, and ability to connect others. Love is deeply connected to patience, because only Love has the power to forbear the weight that uncertainty brings. Love that is unconditional will look at us when we know nothing, when we’re stripped down and say “Them. I love them.” Without the opportunity to hear that, we may be missing out on the most beautiful gift of all.
