Suffering was always valued in my Christian spaces. Martyrs were glorified in the long line of Jesus and those who suffered greatly would be the most similar to Him. There was almost a game to see who could suffer the most. Many of us envied those whose testimonies were ripe with suffering as if they were more godly because of it. Due to this culture, depression seemed like something I had to grind out to the end. Simultaneously, it was suffering that only God could help. Except, that specific God didn’t really help me. And I now know why.